You were probably reading the last post, thinking to yourself, this situation reminds me of something I have read. Is this really true? This suspicion you have is confirmed right now. You can have an orgasm without touching yourself. Folks, the mind is so powerful. I did it all of the time. Do you think I would sit in the front row of a class or wait in line at a grocery store and have an orgasm, and touch myself like normal people do, ummm, NO? The mind is powerful.



During this time of my life, I masturbated about five or six times a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and then snacks in between. It made me feel so good and gave me relief for the abuse and the rejection that I encountered on a weekly, sometimes a daily basis. I day dreamed quite a bit in class and wherever I went. I would always look around me so that I could obtain and remember images in my head. For the most part, shame was so heavy weighing down on my shoulders. I knew I was wrong for looking at those images and for thinking about them so often in the way that I did, but that was my false joy at that time.



During my third year of college, I stepped down from the leadership position. Thank God! That was one of the hardest years, if not the hardest of my life. I still was in discipleship and I was being abused even less because I was having discipleship even less. I think by this time, my discipler knew that our relationship was ending. She wanted to try to keep it as quiet as possible.

During this time, silent and gentle separations didn't work for me well. My relationship with my best friend, Toni was growing leaps and bounds. We were spending a lot of time together and she was so sweet. The only thing I didn't like about her was that she whined about things and every situation was difficult for her. She was a nitpicker. Everytime I walked instead of asking for a ride off campus, she worried. College students walked. There were other things she worried about that it was not her place to worry. She became almost as a mother to me.



My discipler and Toni's discipler decided that they would make it mandatory for us to spend time with one another. Atleast one hour a week was our standard. We were already doing that, but now it was mandatory. Toni didn't like that very well. On the other hand, I was just fine with it because we already were doing that. If we didn't spend that time with one another, then we could just tell a fib in discipleship. They probably would not know the difference. Toni would always ask me to tell our disciplers that I didn't like this and we shouldn't spend time together. There were so many times when what I said to Toni was misinterpreted and that misinterpretation was told to our disciplers. I got in so much trouble over this.

I spent most of my third and fourth year of my bachelors in my room crying when I wasn't at work or in class. Worst yet, I flunked a class and was on the verge of flunking another, but I was able to withdraw from it. The professor cared about me and sat me down in his office. He explained he wanted me to stop coming to his class and turn in my paperwork so that my transcript wouldn't look too bad. Bless his heart.