Feeling Inadequate

I am so amazed at your love God. I am amazed at how you work in me and you love me for me. Eventhough I have so many imperfections. You still love me and accept me. Not everyone has accepted me.

When I started my new job, there were no hostess jobs. I had to be a server. There was no other option. I was scared because I didn't have enough confidence to be an effective server. I soon gained some confidence because that was my job and I had to pay my bills. I became one of the best servers they had and it was because I allowed God to be strong through my weaknesses. He is good about that if we let Him. His love shined in that restaurant.

My General Manager was so nice, that is until we had a rush. He turned into a jerk during rushes. He would lose his temper very easily. At this time, I wasn't good at my job and I made quite a few mistakes because I would speed up instead of taking my time and because I didn't have all the steps together of being an effective server, it took me longer. I made mistakes and would have to go back and correct them. He lost his temper with me quite a few times. I was so hurt by him. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I remember when he had to leave the store for a few months to help with another store. He must have had some anger management courses because he was so much softer and he dealt with people so differently during our rushes, and yes, when he came back, I was a much better server. I now know that when people are angry, they have fear issues. I didn't know that then. I just took everything personally.

During the time I worked as a server at this restaurant, I participated in a new bible study at my church. I asked two people to be my spiritual parents and I had a friend, Thandie that was so verbally abusive to me. We were "best friends." I thought this was the right person for me because I didn't have anyone else to be my friend at the time. I should have just waited.

I felt like I was Thandie's dog. She would never call me by my first name. She would always call me "Hey" or "Girl." I thought it was totally my fault at the time that I was being treated this way. No one deserves to be treated like I was treated by her. When I asked her to stop, she would tell me that I acted like I needed a master and I agreed. I have been so deprived of social and common information my whole life and I felt bad about that fact. I felt so inadequate. But the truth was that she was the one who needed the most help.

My spiritual parents loved me and always wanted to help me. They would always tell me that she was not treating me right and suggest that I make a change in friendship. They loved me and they knew my whole story. They knew how hard it was to stand up for myself so my spiritual mother had no problem with doing what she needed to do to stand up for me. She had no problem doing it either.

On the other hand, My discipler that I had in my bachelors years came to me and apologized for what she had done to me. She gave what I thought was a sincere apology. I thought that the Lord spoke to her individually, but later I found out that my spiritual mother had something to do with it. She was upset that I was wronged so much and no one that was in the cult apologized to me for the wrong that had been done to me eventhough I was ordered to apologize several times to them. To my understanding, my spiritual mother approached my old discipler and backed her to the wall and told her she better apologize to me. I feel so sorry for my old discipler. My spiritual mother is not afraid to stand up for the people she loves and she loved me dearly. She used just about any means necessary, including fists, persuasive words that should not be repeated.

It has been about two years from now and I haven't spoke to my spiritual mother since. I am thankful for what she did for me. Yes, I was a punk and I am not ashamed because I am a different person now.

Yep, I am a gangsta. Okay, so not really, but I know now that I am adequate because of who I am. I wasn't firm in that then. I am still getting firmer in this. I always hid my feelings. I didn't think they were important but not anymore. I am growing in confidence. I've had some more road bumps which I am sure I will have more, but God has been so faithful to me.