Wow! It has been a long time since I posted a blog. I have learned a lot, especially this morning.
I have been asking God why I have not been able to forgive my last roommate. Remember the McNasty. Well, I have her on my mind more than I should. My mind wanders on the things she did to me while I was in her house and also I think about all the times when I could have stopped the abuse from going so far. Mental abuse lasts for a long time.
This morning at my new church, I cried my eyes out. I found out that I was mad at God. I was so angry at Him for allowing all of those things to happen to me. My biggest disappointment is learning that God allowed those things to happen to me even when I was a little girl. I was treated like crap, but I know that I am not. I am a princess and right now, I am trying to get to where I demand that from people, but it is hard to set boundaries on people.
God, I am mad at you for allowing those things to happen to me. I know that You still love me. You were still there with me. You were there with me, but I don't know how You were there.
I choose to believe You were there. I choose to believe that You love me eventhough thinking You were there when all that happened and knowing You allowed that to happen to me hurts. That fact doesn't make you seem like you were there, but You were there with me. I will be able to minister to others in my position.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A New Perspective
Seated above, enthroned in the Father's love
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son perfect and spotless one
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did
All authority, every victry is yours
All authority, every victry is yours
We have overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony, everyone overcome
A few months ago, I told some members and a leader of my congregation that "I was free from masturbation from two months and this time, I think I am truly healed. I didn't get healed for anyone or anything else, but my God."
When a pastor was told about my testimony, my healing was rejected. I was told I was not healed. I was told not to tell my testimony to anyone until I got all the help I needed.
How much help did I really need? I think the help I needed was from Jesus shown through His people to love on me in the victory state.
I have been victorious now for SIX MONTHS. Praise Jesus! I don't struggle like I used to and there is no going back. I know that I am healed of masturbation for good.
In the past, my friends would hear about my healing for a few months or a good amount of time and I would go back to masturbating, but I told my testimonies. I glorified God and this time, He is glorified even more. I am not going back. I know I am healed. I don't want to get dirty again. All authority is mine! Praise God! I don't have to go back.
The truth is that at that time, he was dealing with his problems, not mine.
My new church is amazing and they accept me for who and how God has made me. It is a better fit. God knew and He allowed that situation to happen at my old church to bring about a greater healing in me. God put me in an environment where I could be loved at the level that my old church couldn't.
Destined to die, poured out for all mankind
God's only son perfect and spotless one
He never sinned, but suffered as if He did
All authority, every victry is yours
All authority, every victry is yours
We have overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our Testimony, everyone overcome
A few months ago, I told some members and a leader of my congregation that "I was free from masturbation from two months and this time, I think I am truly healed. I didn't get healed for anyone or anything else, but my God."
When a pastor was told about my testimony, my healing was rejected. I was told I was not healed. I was told not to tell my testimony to anyone until I got all the help I needed.
How much help did I really need? I think the help I needed was from Jesus shown through His people to love on me in the victory state.
I have been victorious now for SIX MONTHS. Praise Jesus! I don't struggle like I used to and there is no going back. I know that I am healed of masturbation for good.
In the past, my friends would hear about my healing for a few months or a good amount of time and I would go back to masturbating, but I told my testimonies. I glorified God and this time, He is glorified even more. I am not going back. I know I am healed. I don't want to get dirty again. All authority is mine! Praise God! I don't have to go back.
The truth is that at that time, he was dealing with his problems, not mine.
My new church is amazing and they accept me for who and how God has made me. It is a better fit. God knew and He allowed that situation to happen at my old church to bring about a greater healing in me. God put me in an environment where I could be loved at the level that my old church couldn't.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
My Second Cult
It is weighing heavy on my heart to pray for pastors who have misled me. There are two pastors in particular who did this, but thankfully I only stayed with their church for a year. I know now that I was crazy to even stay at their church.
When I was visiting their church to consider joining, the head pastor told someone in front of the congregation, "For now on, you will take what I say as a command." I thought, Romans 13. God will bless us for it. This is what I have always known. If I wasn't obedient to man, I would consider it disobedience. That was what I was taught anyway. By now, you are probably wondering and yes, let me confirm your suspicions. This was my second cult.
One day, we were having a luncheon for the leaders at my pastor's house. I was considered a leader in training. I was supposed to bring the main course so I decided to bring chicken wings. The pastor's wife encouraged me to buy them from the store to save money. I agreed. I was a college student and didn't want to spend too much money on all of the people that would be there for the meeting. When I got there, she advised me that she bought Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone. She just wanted to follow my lead. I didn't understand that, but in my mind, I reasoned. I thought maybe she didn't think I would bring enough. Second, the chicken I bought may not fill everyone up. Because of the reasoning, I didn't say anything or express my frustrations. No one ate my chicken.
I remember when I felt the Lord told me to take part in the kid's ministry. This experience didn't last long. I didn't care if I was in disobedience to the Lord or not. The kids at that church acted like hooligans and hardly anything was structured. I made it clear to the pastors that I didn't want to help with children's church. It is not the kids fault though. I blame it on the parents. Bless their hearts.
A few months later, I felt like I needed to start looking for another church so I wasn't planning on going to church at all. My pastor called me on a wednesday night and told me that God had something special for me. I believed him and I went to church. When church started, he said, "Pepper, would you watch the kids today?" I reasoned. I said to myself, I haven't done this in a long time and the other people at church are probably tired of watching the rascals, so for one night, I can do it.
I said yes and when I was outside watching the kids, I felt like he did that with intent. I didn't understand. I was so confused because I knew that something wasn't right. Was it me? That is what I always think when something happens in my life. What did I do to deserve this because I probably did do something? I left church that night feeling so angry. I prayed a lot and asked God what I did wrong.
A few weeks later, my pastor had another gathering at his house for the leaders. He wanted to serve us. As usual, my pastor snapped his fingers at me as a way of getting me to come over to where he was. I never wanted to express my frustrations with him because he had an anger issue. His temper could change at a moment's notice. I made adjustments to that attitude. So many people in my life had anger issues. I walked over to my pastor and he explained to me that I was in a period of testing. He did ask me to watch the kids that night with intent and his wife did buy the chicken with intent to see what I was going to do. How was Pepper Jackson going to react?
I couldn't take it anymore, I emailed the pastor and I told him this was unacceptable and I will be praying about what my next step should be. He released me and told me that he wanted me to do what God wanted me to do. There you have it! I left that church. I still keep in contact with a few of the members. It only took two weeks for me to find a church home. God is good! It was exactly what I needed at that time.
I have been praying for the kid's ministry at my old church. Great news! They had to shut the kid's ministry down because of lack of funds. They are actually meeting in the pastor's home because they couldn't afford to keep the building they were staying in. God, You are so good and worthy to be praised. If it is your will, I pray that you would tear that ministry down. Change the people involved in that ministry. Have mercy on them because they really don't know or understand how they are hurting people and misleading them. They just don't.
When I was visiting their church to consider joining, the head pastor told someone in front of the congregation, "For now on, you will take what I say as a command." I thought, Romans 13. God will bless us for it. This is what I have always known. If I wasn't obedient to man, I would consider it disobedience. That was what I was taught anyway. By now, you are probably wondering and yes, let me confirm your suspicions. This was my second cult.
One day, we were having a luncheon for the leaders at my pastor's house. I was considered a leader in training. I was supposed to bring the main course so I decided to bring chicken wings. The pastor's wife encouraged me to buy them from the store to save money. I agreed. I was a college student and didn't want to spend too much money on all of the people that would be there for the meeting. When I got there, she advised me that she bought Kentucky Fried Chicken for everyone. She just wanted to follow my lead. I didn't understand that, but in my mind, I reasoned. I thought maybe she didn't think I would bring enough. Second, the chicken I bought may not fill everyone up. Because of the reasoning, I didn't say anything or express my frustrations. No one ate my chicken.
I remember when I felt the Lord told me to take part in the kid's ministry. This experience didn't last long. I didn't care if I was in disobedience to the Lord or not. The kids at that church acted like hooligans and hardly anything was structured. I made it clear to the pastors that I didn't want to help with children's church. It is not the kids fault though. I blame it on the parents. Bless their hearts.
A few months later, I felt like I needed to start looking for another church so I wasn't planning on going to church at all. My pastor called me on a wednesday night and told me that God had something special for me. I believed him and I went to church. When church started, he said, "Pepper, would you watch the kids today?" I reasoned. I said to myself, I haven't done this in a long time and the other people at church are probably tired of watching the rascals, so for one night, I can do it.
I said yes and when I was outside watching the kids, I felt like he did that with intent. I didn't understand. I was so confused because I knew that something wasn't right. Was it me? That is what I always think when something happens in my life. What did I do to deserve this because I probably did do something? I left church that night feeling so angry. I prayed a lot and asked God what I did wrong.
A few weeks later, my pastor had another gathering at his house for the leaders. He wanted to serve us. As usual, my pastor snapped his fingers at me as a way of getting me to come over to where he was. I never wanted to express my frustrations with him because he had an anger issue. His temper could change at a moment's notice. I made adjustments to that attitude. So many people in my life had anger issues. I walked over to my pastor and he explained to me that I was in a period of testing. He did ask me to watch the kids that night with intent and his wife did buy the chicken with intent to see what I was going to do. How was Pepper Jackson going to react?
I couldn't take it anymore, I emailed the pastor and I told him this was unacceptable and I will be praying about what my next step should be. He released me and told me that he wanted me to do what God wanted me to do. There you have it! I left that church. I still keep in contact with a few of the members. It only took two weeks for me to find a church home. God is good! It was exactly what I needed at that time.
I have been praying for the kid's ministry at my old church. Great news! They had to shut the kid's ministry down because of lack of funds. They are actually meeting in the pastor's home because they couldn't afford to keep the building they were staying in. God, You are so good and worthy to be praised. If it is your will, I pray that you would tear that ministry down. Change the people involved in that ministry. Have mercy on them because they really don't know or understand how they are hurting people and misleading them. They just don't.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Another Mother, Part Two
Yesterday at church, I doubted my salvation. I never had this experience before, but I feel that what my pastor was preaching didn't happen to me. I never formally invited Jesus into my heart. I just believed in Jesus and started following Him as best as I could at a young age.
The cult that I was involved in was mostly my fault because I did have a bible, but I allowed my discipler to interpret it for me. The major problem was that I didn't start out in a healthy environment when I was younger. I don't really know what it is like to live in a Christian household. My parents did not and still don't walk out their Christianity, their faith in God. When I went to college, I looked for an environment that was familiar to me. I looked for relationships that resembled my parents or the kids in high school and middle school.
This points to my next unhealthy relationship. During the latter part of my Master's degree, my rent was about to increase. I thought the best thing for me was to live with someone. It would cut my costs quite a bit and could have a little more freedom with my budget. I made under $10. an hour at this time and wanted more freedom to do things. Moving in with my parents was the last resort. I moved into a lady's house that I knew from a community organization. Yes, the same organization that I met Jackie from. Samantha was twice my age. I talked with her and it sounded like she was going to allow me to have my own life. She was big on sharing so her motto was anything of hers was mine. I wish I hadn't agreed to that.
When I moved my stuff in, she seemed like a different person, but as I look at the situation right now, I see that she was the same person. I just didn't believe her when she told me who she was the first time. She was always bossy and emotionally dependent. She basically treated me like a child, her child. She even called me her child. That did not settle well with me.
When I tried to stand up for myself and talk to her about the situation, everything was my fault. I was stupid and she saw how people were so mean to me. The reason was because I couldn't follow her directions. She insisted on cooking for me, but she was nasty. I believe that meat should be cooked well done and no food should be left out overnight on your kitchen counter. If that does happen, it should be thrown away.
Her two cats were so annoying. The whole house was their litter box because their litter box was not cleaned out on a regular basis. Samantha had the audacity to get mad at the cats for doing that, but I understood them. I wouldn't want to go in a dirty litter box just like she probably wouldn't want to use a dirty toilet. ......Well, let me rethink that. She probably wouldn't care.
She went out of town for the weekend for a wedding and I was so proud of myself. During that time, I was packed and ready to go a day before she returned. I still took care of her house and I cleaned it. Needless to say, after a month of staying there, I moved out and into my parent's house. That is where I am today.
I harbored so much anger against her and I still do today, but not as much. God has healed me quite a bit in the past two years. She pissed me off. I can't believe some of the things that she called me and put me through while living in her house. I had headaches everyday for a few months after living there because I would relive the situations and think about what I could have done differently, but I am glad that I tried to talk to her about the situations. She just didn't listen to me. She blamed it all on me.
The next time I saw her, she told me that we should forget about what happened and be friends. I don't think so Filthy McNasty. I forgive her, but if you are wrong about something, you need to fess up to it and she hasn't done that. She wants to act like nothing happened. She doesn't understand how much her words and actions hurt me and she probably never will. She needs to just stay away from me.
The cult that I was involved in was mostly my fault because I did have a bible, but I allowed my discipler to interpret it for me. The major problem was that I didn't start out in a healthy environment when I was younger. I don't really know what it is like to live in a Christian household. My parents did not and still don't walk out their Christianity, their faith in God. When I went to college, I looked for an environment that was familiar to me. I looked for relationships that resembled my parents or the kids in high school and middle school.
This points to my next unhealthy relationship. During the latter part of my Master's degree, my rent was about to increase. I thought the best thing for me was to live with someone. It would cut my costs quite a bit and could have a little more freedom with my budget. I made under $10. an hour at this time and wanted more freedom to do things. Moving in with my parents was the last resort. I moved into a lady's house that I knew from a community organization. Yes, the same organization that I met Jackie from. Samantha was twice my age. I talked with her and it sounded like she was going to allow me to have my own life. She was big on sharing so her motto was anything of hers was mine. I wish I hadn't agreed to that.
When I moved my stuff in, she seemed like a different person, but as I look at the situation right now, I see that she was the same person. I just didn't believe her when she told me who she was the first time. She was always bossy and emotionally dependent. She basically treated me like a child, her child. She even called me her child. That did not settle well with me.
When I tried to stand up for myself and talk to her about the situation, everything was my fault. I was stupid and she saw how people were so mean to me. The reason was because I couldn't follow her directions. She insisted on cooking for me, but she was nasty. I believe that meat should be cooked well done and no food should be left out overnight on your kitchen counter. If that does happen, it should be thrown away.
Her two cats were so annoying. The whole house was their litter box because their litter box was not cleaned out on a regular basis. Samantha had the audacity to get mad at the cats for doing that, but I understood them. I wouldn't want to go in a dirty litter box just like she probably wouldn't want to use a dirty toilet. ......Well, let me rethink that. She probably wouldn't care.
She went out of town for the weekend for a wedding and I was so proud of myself. During that time, I was packed and ready to go a day before she returned. I still took care of her house and I cleaned it. Needless to say, after a month of staying there, I moved out and into my parent's house. That is where I am today.
I harbored so much anger against her and I still do today, but not as much. God has healed me quite a bit in the past two years. She pissed me off. I can't believe some of the things that she called me and put me through while living in her house. I had headaches everyday for a few months after living there because I would relive the situations and think about what I could have done differently, but I am glad that I tried to talk to her about the situations. She just didn't listen to me. She blamed it all on me.
The next time I saw her, she told me that we should forget about what happened and be friends. I don't think so Filthy McNasty. I forgive her, but if you are wrong about something, you need to fess up to it and she hasn't done that. She wants to act like nothing happened. She doesn't understand how much her words and actions hurt me and she probably never will. She needs to just stay away from me.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Another Mother
I thought I could do it. I thought I was smart, but my truth was that I could never do it. I was never smart enough and I don't know too much. I certainly don't trust myself because I am a screw up. This was my truth.
I remember when I thought like this and sometimes, even now, these wretched thoughts come to mind and I say to myself, that is not the truth. Surely, that was my truth in the past, but now I know who I am now. I can think for myself and make good decisions and bad decisions, but I can have confidence in my decisions. I can do anything I set my mind to. My goals are huge and unbelievable. Whatever I lack on my journey to reach my goals will be given to me because I have favor from God. My purpose and destiny on my life is amazing. It is so amazing that I can't see all of it.
All of this said, my life has made me into a unique person. I don't always know how to act in a social situation. I am not a fighter at all. Raising my voice at people in anger is like a knife to my soul. I don't like it when people do it to me and I don't like doing it to other people. How I respond to situations is different than people my age group respond to situations. Because I am unique, some people don't understand me and try to change me into a person that they think I should become. One person who sought to understand me and help me to learn social skills is Jackie.
I met Jackie at a community organization we belong to and she has always told me how I lacked common sense and how my brain was weird and prevented me from thinking clearly. She would tell me that other people that I looked up to and respected would say worse about me. She was always the gossiper. At this point in my life, someone who had never met me could have told me that I was stupid and I would have fallen in more of a deeper depression. She used those words to manipulate my mind so that I would change my actions to please her.
She had the best package I had ever seen. She would always cook for me and invite me over to her house to do my nails or something girly. Oh yes, since she is older and needed things done around her house, I was it. She would always require me to act by her rules and regulations. Sit up straight. Don't slouch. Hold your mouth this way and don't eat so fast. I didn't think I ate fast. I still don't think I eat fast.
This person is now out of my life and it is for the best. There was a natural separation as in she moved to another state. I didn't like to be controlled like that. The more I was controlled like this, the more I would masturbate. I feel that when people want to control me, they are rejecting who I am and they are wanting to change me. I got wild in these days because people rejected me. I did not know how to take up for myself and tell them to leave me alone. I am who I am and I like it whether you do or not. I lost my voice at an early age.
I always have regretted not being able to be my own person and to love myself and require others to do so. Even to this day, I regret, but I keep hearing myself say, "Move ON!" You can't stay in the past. Everyone has setbacks, but you have the opportunity to decide what type of life you want to live. Yes, for a while Jackie became another mother than my birth mother for me. She definitely didn't need to be, but she held that role in my life for that time.
I must stop my flow now and say that I have been free now for four months from masturbation and I say many more months will come. God, You are so good.
Eventhough this overall experience with Jackie hurt me and pierced my soul, I still didn't learn my lesson. I allowed another woman to mother me, to change me. I just didn't like myself. No satisfaction was found in me and I was trying to find it through someone else, but just like someone who is dying from an unnatural cause, they rebel. They try to stay alive. I rebelled against my "mothers," birth mother and others who acted as my mother, trying not to be controlled, but apart of me, which was my flesh felt like I was being controlled, so I rebelled. I fought to stay to my true self while changing just a bit for them to make them happy. To avoid any abuse, I wanted them to have their own way with me.
I remember when I thought like this and sometimes, even now, these wretched thoughts come to mind and I say to myself, that is not the truth. Surely, that was my truth in the past, but now I know who I am now. I can think for myself and make good decisions and bad decisions, but I can have confidence in my decisions. I can do anything I set my mind to. My goals are huge and unbelievable. Whatever I lack on my journey to reach my goals will be given to me because I have favor from God. My purpose and destiny on my life is amazing. It is so amazing that I can't see all of it.
All of this said, my life has made me into a unique person. I don't always know how to act in a social situation. I am not a fighter at all. Raising my voice at people in anger is like a knife to my soul. I don't like it when people do it to me and I don't like doing it to other people. How I respond to situations is different than people my age group respond to situations. Because I am unique, some people don't understand me and try to change me into a person that they think I should become. One person who sought to understand me and help me to learn social skills is Jackie.
I met Jackie at a community organization we belong to and she has always told me how I lacked common sense and how my brain was weird and prevented me from thinking clearly. She would tell me that other people that I looked up to and respected would say worse about me. She was always the gossiper. At this point in my life, someone who had never met me could have told me that I was stupid and I would have fallen in more of a deeper depression. She used those words to manipulate my mind so that I would change my actions to please her.
She had the best package I had ever seen. She would always cook for me and invite me over to her house to do my nails or something girly. Oh yes, since she is older and needed things done around her house, I was it. She would always require me to act by her rules and regulations. Sit up straight. Don't slouch. Hold your mouth this way and don't eat so fast. I didn't think I ate fast. I still don't think I eat fast.
This person is now out of my life and it is for the best. There was a natural separation as in she moved to another state. I didn't like to be controlled like that. The more I was controlled like this, the more I would masturbate. I feel that when people want to control me, they are rejecting who I am and they are wanting to change me. I got wild in these days because people rejected me. I did not know how to take up for myself and tell them to leave me alone. I am who I am and I like it whether you do or not. I lost my voice at an early age.
I always have regretted not being able to be my own person and to love myself and require others to do so. Even to this day, I regret, but I keep hearing myself say, "Move ON!" You can't stay in the past. Everyone has setbacks, but you have the opportunity to decide what type of life you want to live. Yes, for a while Jackie became another mother than my birth mother for me. She definitely didn't need to be, but she held that role in my life for that time.
I must stop my flow now and say that I have been free now for four months from masturbation and I say many more months will come. God, You are so good.
Eventhough this overall experience with Jackie hurt me and pierced my soul, I still didn't learn my lesson. I allowed another woman to mother me, to change me. I just didn't like myself. No satisfaction was found in me and I was trying to find it through someone else, but just like someone who is dying from an unnatural cause, they rebel. They try to stay alive. I rebelled against my "mothers," birth mother and others who acted as my mother, trying not to be controlled, but apart of me, which was my flesh felt like I was being controlled, so I rebelled. I fought to stay to my true self while changing just a bit for them to make them happy. To avoid any abuse, I wanted them to have their own way with me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Feeling Inadequate
I am so amazed at your love God. I am amazed at how you work in me and you love me for me. Eventhough I have so many imperfections. You still love me and accept me. Not everyone has accepted me.
When I started my new job, there were no hostess jobs. I had to be a server. There was no other option. I was scared because I didn't have enough confidence to be an effective server. I soon gained some confidence because that was my job and I had to pay my bills. I became one of the best servers they had and it was because I allowed God to be strong through my weaknesses. He is good about that if we let Him. His love shined in that restaurant.
My General Manager was so nice, that is until we had a rush. He turned into a jerk during rushes. He would lose his temper very easily. At this time, I wasn't good at my job and I made quite a few mistakes because I would speed up instead of taking my time and because I didn't have all the steps together of being an effective server, it took me longer. I made mistakes and would have to go back and correct them. He lost his temper with me quite a few times. I was so hurt by him. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I remember when he had to leave the store for a few months to help with another store. He must have had some anger management courses because he was so much softer and he dealt with people so differently during our rushes, and yes, when he came back, I was a much better server. I now know that when people are angry, they have fear issues. I didn't know that then. I just took everything personally.
During the time I worked as a server at this restaurant, I participated in a new bible study at my church. I asked two people to be my spiritual parents and I had a friend, Thandie that was so verbally abusive to me. We were "best friends." I thought this was the right person for me because I didn't have anyone else to be my friend at the time. I should have just waited.
I felt like I was Thandie's dog. She would never call me by my first name. She would always call me "Hey" or "Girl." I thought it was totally my fault at the time that I was being treated this way. No one deserves to be treated like I was treated by her. When I asked her to stop, she would tell me that I acted like I needed a master and I agreed. I have been so deprived of social and common information my whole life and I felt bad about that fact. I felt so inadequate. But the truth was that she was the one who needed the most help.
My spiritual parents loved me and always wanted to help me. They would always tell me that she was not treating me right and suggest that I make a change in friendship. They loved me and they knew my whole story. They knew how hard it was to stand up for myself so my spiritual mother had no problem with doing what she needed to do to stand up for me. She had no problem doing it either.
On the other hand, My discipler that I had in my bachelors years came to me and apologized for what she had done to me. She gave what I thought was a sincere apology. I thought that the Lord spoke to her individually, but later I found out that my spiritual mother had something to do with it. She was upset that I was wronged so much and no one that was in the cult apologized to me for the wrong that had been done to me eventhough I was ordered to apologize several times to them. To my understanding, my spiritual mother approached my old discipler and backed her to the wall and told her she better apologize to me. I feel so sorry for my old discipler. My spiritual mother is not afraid to stand up for the people she loves and she loved me dearly. She used just about any means necessary, including fists, persuasive words that should not be repeated.
It has been about two years from now and I haven't spoke to my spiritual mother since. I am thankful for what she did for me. Yes, I was a punk and I am not ashamed because I am a different person now.
Yep, I am a gangsta. Okay, so not really, but I know now that I am adequate because of who I am. I wasn't firm in that then. I am still getting firmer in this. I always hid my feelings. I didn't think they were important but not anymore. I am growing in confidence. I've had some more road bumps which I am sure I will have more, but God has been so faithful to me.
When I started my new job, there were no hostess jobs. I had to be a server. There was no other option. I was scared because I didn't have enough confidence to be an effective server. I soon gained some confidence because that was my job and I had to pay my bills. I became one of the best servers they had and it was because I allowed God to be strong through my weaknesses. He is good about that if we let Him. His love shined in that restaurant.
My General Manager was so nice, that is until we had a rush. He turned into a jerk during rushes. He would lose his temper very easily. At this time, I wasn't good at my job and I made quite a few mistakes because I would speed up instead of taking my time and because I didn't have all the steps together of being an effective server, it took me longer. I made mistakes and would have to go back and correct them. He lost his temper with me quite a few times. I was so hurt by him. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I remember when he had to leave the store for a few months to help with another store. He must have had some anger management courses because he was so much softer and he dealt with people so differently during our rushes, and yes, when he came back, I was a much better server. I now know that when people are angry, they have fear issues. I didn't know that then. I just took everything personally.
During the time I worked as a server at this restaurant, I participated in a new bible study at my church. I asked two people to be my spiritual parents and I had a friend, Thandie that was so verbally abusive to me. We were "best friends." I thought this was the right person for me because I didn't have anyone else to be my friend at the time. I should have just waited.
I felt like I was Thandie's dog. She would never call me by my first name. She would always call me "Hey" or "Girl." I thought it was totally my fault at the time that I was being treated this way. No one deserves to be treated like I was treated by her. When I asked her to stop, she would tell me that I acted like I needed a master and I agreed. I have been so deprived of social and common information my whole life and I felt bad about that fact. I felt so inadequate. But the truth was that she was the one who needed the most help.
My spiritual parents loved me and always wanted to help me. They would always tell me that she was not treating me right and suggest that I make a change in friendship. They loved me and they knew my whole story. They knew how hard it was to stand up for myself so my spiritual mother had no problem with doing what she needed to do to stand up for me. She had no problem doing it either.
On the other hand, My discipler that I had in my bachelors years came to me and apologized for what she had done to me. She gave what I thought was a sincere apology. I thought that the Lord spoke to her individually, but later I found out that my spiritual mother had something to do with it. She was upset that I was wronged so much and no one that was in the cult apologized to me for the wrong that had been done to me eventhough I was ordered to apologize several times to them. To my understanding, my spiritual mother approached my old discipler and backed her to the wall and told her she better apologize to me. I feel so sorry for my old discipler. My spiritual mother is not afraid to stand up for the people she loves and she loved me dearly. She used just about any means necessary, including fists, persuasive words that should not be repeated.
It has been about two years from now and I haven't spoke to my spiritual mother since. I am thankful for what she did for me. Yes, I was a punk and I am not ashamed because I am a different person now.
Yep, I am a gangsta. Okay, so not really, but I know now that I am adequate because of who I am. I wasn't firm in that then. I am still getting firmer in this. I always hid my feelings. I didn't think they were important but not anymore. I am growing in confidence. I've had some more road bumps which I am sure I will have more, but God has been so faithful to me.
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Change in Location, but Not a Change in Situation
It was finally time for me to move off campus and into my first apartment. There was no way I was moving home. That was my last resort. I moved into an apartment with a girl I didn't know. I prayed that I would be able to make my rent every month and God was so faithful to my prayer. I never went a month without being able to pay for my rent.
I will never forget how I made my first rent payment. Since I didn't have a car then, I had to walk to work. It took me forty-five minutes to get there and back. I lost a lot of weight during this time. I worked as a hostess. I just moved into the apartment and my rent was due soon. I calculated that I would have just enough in my paycheck to make it through the month. I was getting ready for work one day and I never had this happen before. I forgot what time I was supposed to go in to work. The 4:00p.m. shift or the 6:00p.m. shift. I called my store at 2:00p.m. that day and my general manager answered the phone. He explained to me that the store was closing for good. I will have to find a new job and he offered to talk to a manager of a restaurant next door from where I worked. I was in tears. How was I going to make it financially? It was so hard to find a job. I didn't have much experience.
I remember taking a whole day off of work when I was a hostess and walking around in the hot sun wearing dark clothes and filling out application after application. I didn't get one call back. I walked across two of the busiest streets in Honky Tonk Ville trying to find a job. I applied to all types of jobs. I almost had a college degree and no one would hire me. Later on, I found out that most people knew that the store was closing for three days and no one called me about this. I felt okay about this because the managers that I had were irresponsible. I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me. They were so rude and I was excited because I didn't want to work there anymore, but sad because I didn't know how I would make my rent. I was so discouraged because I couldn't find another job before, I didn't think I was going to find one even with my general manager helping me.
I relaxed for a day and didn't do anything. I mostly prayed and told some people that I was looking for a new job. They were faithful to pray with me. God is so faithful! These people who prayed for me weren't the most healthy people to be around, but they were the only ones who I could see to be my friends at this time. My focus will be on one of these people. Her name was Thandie. Thandie loved to help people. She loved to stay busy, but one thing that I had to compromise on with her that I will never compromise on again is cleanliness. Thandie was and probably still is a McNasty. She was kicked out or "removed" from discipleship before I was and we were friends off and on at that time. Her actions and words were so abusive. I was so thankful for the break from her, but I still questioned if she was really my friend or not. I will not go into a description of how nasty she is because I have learned that everyone is nasty, but some are more nasty than others. They don't realize they are being nasty most of the time. They are doing what is normal to them or they just don't care. I will get into the subject of not caring about how nasty you are later.
Thandie's car was uuuhhhhhh gross. I wanted to vomit sometimes when I rode with her. There are people who are messy and then there are people who are nasty and she was definitely nasty. Food stuck to her floor and in different parts of the car. The moldy aroma filled the atmosphere. The worst part is she couldn't let her windows down. It was horrible, but I never complained because she was giving me a ride. I compromised. She was also verbally abusive to me. She yelled at me and I thought everything was my fault. I didn't like being yelled at, but that is what I felt like I deserved.
A week after I got laid off, I got a job working at the restaurant across the street. It was so awesome! Timing is truly everything. I kept calling the restaurant and asking for the manager that my old general manager told me to talk to, but she was always busy. Instead of just relying on that job, I walked into a restaurant across the street one morning to fill out an application. The manager told me to come back at 3:00 that day. I walked to the restaurant from my apartment and got there at 2:50. One of the trainers walked up to me and said, "Oh my, you are early." She took me around the restaurant and introduced me to everyone. She even talked to me about filling out some paperwork and getting my uniform. At that very moment, the truth came out. I told her that I hadn't had an interview yet. She sat me down and told her manager what she did. Her manager, who was a different manager than who I talked to that morning, approached me and looked at my application. He asked me three simple questions and then told me I was hired. I filled out the paperwork and was given my uniform. The girl that was supposed to show up at 3:00 arrived at 3:45 and didn't last for more than two weeks. Two days after I got my job, the manager of the restaurant that was next door to the restaurant I worked for called me about a job. I was able to tell them that I already had a job.
I hated being friends with the people I was friends with at this time. I remember getting on my knees in my apartment and praying for friendship, real friendship. I hated being alone, but it certainly enriched my prayer life and my relationship with God. I know now I can be a better friend to others because I am a better friend to God.
I will never forget how I made my first rent payment. Since I didn't have a car then, I had to walk to work. It took me forty-five minutes to get there and back. I lost a lot of weight during this time. I worked as a hostess. I just moved into the apartment and my rent was due soon. I calculated that I would have just enough in my paycheck to make it through the month. I was getting ready for work one day and I never had this happen before. I forgot what time I was supposed to go in to work. The 4:00p.m. shift or the 6:00p.m. shift. I called my store at 2:00p.m. that day and my general manager answered the phone. He explained to me that the store was closing for good. I will have to find a new job and he offered to talk to a manager of a restaurant next door from where I worked. I was in tears. How was I going to make it financially? It was so hard to find a job. I didn't have much experience.
I remember taking a whole day off of work when I was a hostess and walking around in the hot sun wearing dark clothes and filling out application after application. I didn't get one call back. I walked across two of the busiest streets in Honky Tonk Ville trying to find a job. I applied to all types of jobs. I almost had a college degree and no one would hire me. Later on, I found out that most people knew that the store was closing for three days and no one called me about this. I felt okay about this because the managers that I had were irresponsible. I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me. They were so rude and I was excited because I didn't want to work there anymore, but sad because I didn't know how I would make my rent. I was so discouraged because I couldn't find another job before, I didn't think I was going to find one even with my general manager helping me.
I relaxed for a day and didn't do anything. I mostly prayed and told some people that I was looking for a new job. They were faithful to pray with me. God is so faithful! These people who prayed for me weren't the most healthy people to be around, but they were the only ones who I could see to be my friends at this time. My focus will be on one of these people. Her name was Thandie. Thandie loved to help people. She loved to stay busy, but one thing that I had to compromise on with her that I will never compromise on again is cleanliness. Thandie was and probably still is a McNasty. She was kicked out or "removed" from discipleship before I was and we were friends off and on at that time. Her actions and words were so abusive. I was so thankful for the break from her, but I still questioned if she was really my friend or not. I will not go into a description of how nasty she is because I have learned that everyone is nasty, but some are more nasty than others. They don't realize they are being nasty most of the time. They are doing what is normal to them or they just don't care. I will get into the subject of not caring about how nasty you are later.
Thandie's car was uuuhhhhhh gross. I wanted to vomit sometimes when I rode with her. There are people who are messy and then there are people who are nasty and she was definitely nasty. Food stuck to her floor and in different parts of the car. The moldy aroma filled the atmosphere. The worst part is she couldn't let her windows down. It was horrible, but I never complained because she was giving me a ride. I compromised. She was also verbally abusive to me. She yelled at me and I thought everything was my fault. I didn't like being yelled at, but that is what I felt like I deserved.
A week after I got laid off, I got a job working at the restaurant across the street. It was so awesome! Timing is truly everything. I kept calling the restaurant and asking for the manager that my old general manager told me to talk to, but she was always busy. Instead of just relying on that job, I walked into a restaurant across the street one morning to fill out an application. The manager told me to come back at 3:00 that day. I walked to the restaurant from my apartment and got there at 2:50. One of the trainers walked up to me and said, "Oh my, you are early." She took me around the restaurant and introduced me to everyone. She even talked to me about filling out some paperwork and getting my uniform. At that very moment, the truth came out. I told her that I hadn't had an interview yet. She sat me down and told her manager what she did. Her manager, who was a different manager than who I talked to that morning, approached me and looked at my application. He asked me three simple questions and then told me I was hired. I filled out the paperwork and was given my uniform. The girl that was supposed to show up at 3:00 arrived at 3:45 and didn't last for more than two weeks. Two days after I got my job, the manager of the restaurant that was next door to the restaurant I worked for called me about a job. I was able to tell them that I already had a job.
I hated being friends with the people I was friends with at this time. I remember getting on my knees in my apartment and praying for friendship, real friendship. I hated being alone, but it certainly enriched my prayer life and my relationship with God. I know now I can be a better friend to others because I am a better friend to God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)