I Am Surrounded, But Alone.

The fourth year of college was pretty brutal. As mentioned at the end of my last post, I cried a lot when I wasn't at work or in class. My grades and retention level of the material in my classes dropped tremendously because I couldn't focus on my work in class or out. My nerves were an emotional wreck. I cried all of the time. I didn't have a car and so my "best friend" or so called best friend was supposed to take me just about everywhere. Everytime I asked someone else to take me, they would point to Toni and needless to say, Toni got tired of taking me. It was so apparent that she did. Every little thing I did ticked her off so much. I was starting to get annoyed with her as well. It just turned into a bad relationship.


Soon into my fourth year, my discipler finally let me go officially. She told me that I was not fruitful (meaning adding to my church's numbers). I told you how I don't like silent separations. This one was loud and clear. There was no way of getting around it. Toni was excited because she did not have to be around me anymore. She was fed up with me and being controlled by her discipler. Yes, I had a part in her not liking me (a relationship is always two fold) but she totally overreacted, but I have learned that some people are just going to overreact to most situations. You either accept them or you don't.


I made some other friends at this time, but I only kept them to fill the void in my life. I couldn't have a healthy friendship with them. They ultimately stopped hanging around me because I was so messed up and so bitter. My feelings of bitterness, guilt, shame, and sadness weighed my heart down. It was not fun for them to be in a relationship with me. A mentor at my church at the time was talking to me on the phone and she said the best thing to do sometimes is to just go to sleep. When I laid down to go to sleep, I was sad because I knew I would probably wake up and to what? To nothing. I wanted to die. I hated my life. What is life without friends to love on and to love on me? The problem is I never had that relationship before eventhough I tried forcing myself into it. This was the year that I flunked a class and needed six more hours to graduate. I walked down the aisle during my graduation ceremony, but did not graduate.



My discipler always would say hello to me anytime we passed each other at church or when we were walking down the hallway. I usually wouldn't say anything to her because my prideful attitude was if you can't be my discipler then you can't be my friend at all. Everytime I went to church during this year, I went to the back and cried for almost the whole service. I tried to be as quiet as I could. No one came to comfort me. No one looked like they cared. The people that knew what was going on didn't want to say anything. I wanted to die.

Everyday I had to wake up, I saw no purpose because I was out of God's will. At church, my pastor preached on not giving up. I decided to take this personally. So I decided to pray. I was by myself and I didn't have anyone else. I didn't have too much of a choice. God spoke to me that I didn't need a discipler and I certainly didn't need to be in a cult. The bad thing was that the vision of the cult did not even line up with scripture. It is a shame that the church is still in existense. That vision is still alive in my old church. The vision is not biblical!

For a few months, I dragged myself to counseling on campus. The counselor was weird. She told me to tap different parts of my body for inner healing and to help me believe things. I was not doing that, but the thankful journal really helped me. I had to make a list of things I was thankful for in my life three times a week. This list helped me tremendously for that time. God provided everything I needed when I needed it.