Just When I Thought I Couldn't Make It!

During my sophomore year of college, I was asked to be an apprentice to my leaders in the cult to which I belonged. I accepted it with open arms. I thought it would help me meet more people and help me to gain more friends, but I actually gained more enemies and IIIII rejected my real friends. I love the accolades and fame I got from being in the position. There were people that actually looked up to me for once.

I learned some valuable skills because I assisted with every aspect of putting a meeting together. I called people and invited them personally to the meetings, eventhough, I was not very successful at this because I was not fruitful; Public Relations (which is not my favorite thing to do), but I did it because that was my job. I didn't have much of a choice. The cult was semi helpful for me at that time of my life because it helped boost my self esteem and there were quite a few privileges along with it, but I got in a lot of trouble all the time. I was always doing something wrong and when I did something wrong, my leaders would always tell my discipler who would literally scream at me. She told me that she was ashamed for me when I did things that no one understood, but it made sense to me. I hated those moments. I was the goof up. I did wrong all of the time. Everytime I met with my discipler, it made it easier on me to expect being in trouble. I hardened my heart and allowed her to yell and throw blame at me; sometimes I didn't do anything, but she never really listened to me. If I said anything, it was refuted.

At this point, I wanted to die. If I had to continue to go through this turmoil and if it was God's will then I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to die. During this time, I needed a place to escape so I decided to escape in my mind. I turned to masturbation. I thought about sex all of the time. Thinking about sex helped me to feel relaxed for a little while. I didn't think it would make me as tense as I felt later on. I not only did it in my dorm room, but I did it in class, work and everywhere I went. Thinking about sex and actually engaging in an orgasm was my relief from my life. I also joined a social group that didn't know what I was going through, but most of them seemed to be so encouraging. They were my Jesus with skin on them.

I think many people misinterpreted what I did. I am not the same as everyone else. I don't fit the status quo. I am different and shouldn't be judged. No one was being hurt by my actions. Some people just don't understand me and that is okay. It will be like that forever, but I am learning how to understand and respect myself. It is taking a long time for me to get there.