Another Mother

I thought I could do it. I thought I was smart, but my truth was that I could never do it. I was never smart enough and I don't know too much. I certainly don't trust myself because I am a screw up. This was my truth.

I remember when I thought like this and sometimes, even now, these wretched thoughts come to mind and I say to myself, that is not the truth. Surely, that was my truth in the past, but now I know who I am now. I can think for myself and make good decisions and bad decisions, but I can have confidence in my decisions. I can do anything I set my mind to. My goals are huge and unbelievable. Whatever I lack on my journey to reach my goals will be given to me because I have favor from God. My purpose and destiny on my life is amazing. It is so amazing that I can't see all of it.


All of this said, my life has made me into a unique person. I don't always know how to act in a social situation. I am not a fighter at all. Raising my voice at people in anger is like a knife to my soul. I don't like it when people do it to me and I don't like doing it to other people. How I respond to situations is different than people my age group respond to situations. Because I am unique, some people don't understand me and try to change me into a person that they think I should become. One person who sought to understand me and help me to learn social skills is Jackie.


I met Jackie at a community organization we belong to and she has always told me how I lacked common sense and how my brain was weird and prevented me from thinking clearly. She would tell me that other people that I looked up to and respected would say worse about me. She was always the gossiper. At this point in my life, someone who had never met me could have told me that I was stupid and I would have fallen in more of a deeper depression. She used those words to manipulate my mind so that I would change my actions to please her.

She had the best package I had ever seen. She would always cook for me and invite me over to her house to do my nails or something girly. Oh yes, since she is older and needed things done around her house, I was it. She would always require me to act by her rules and regulations. Sit up straight. Don't slouch. Hold your mouth this way and don't eat so fast. I didn't think I ate fast. I still don't think I eat fast.

This person is now out of my life and it is for the best. There was a natural separation as in she moved to another state. I didn't like to be controlled like that. The more I was controlled like this, the more I would masturbate. I feel that when people want to control me, they are rejecting who I am and they are wanting to change me. I got wild in these days because people rejected me. I did not know how to take up for myself and tell them to leave me alone. I am who I am and I like it whether you do or not. I lost my voice at an early age.

I always have regretted not being able to be my own person and to love myself and require others to do so. Even to this day, I regret, but I keep hearing myself say, "Move ON!" You can't stay in the past. Everyone has setbacks, but you have the opportunity to decide what type of life you want to live. Yes, for a while Jackie became another mother than my birth mother for me. She definitely didn't need to be, but she held that role in my life for that time.

I must stop my flow now and say that I have been free now for four months from masturbation and I say many more months will come. God, You are so good.

Eventhough this overall experience with Jackie hurt me and pierced my soul, I still didn't learn my lesson. I allowed another woman to mother me, to change me. I just didn't like myself. No satisfaction was found in me and I was trying to find it through someone else, but just like someone who is dying from an unnatural cause, they rebel. They try to stay alive. I rebelled against my "mothers," birth mother and others who acted as my mother, trying not to be controlled, but apart of me, which was my flesh felt like I was being controlled, so I rebelled. I fought to stay to my true self while changing just a bit for them to make them happy. To avoid any abuse, I wanted them to have their own way with me.