The Second Foundation

Life was not fun, especially while I was in school. I enjoyed reading, writing and arithmetic, but anytime I was forced to interact with my peers was beyond my comfort level. Yes, you have probably guessed it by now, I was a nerd. I was the person that got beat up just about every day. I was the person that walked down the hall and one of my peers would slap me for no reason. I didn't understand. I always thought it was my fault. Something was wrong with me.

For most of my time in elementary school, I was never the person sought after. My peers who would talk to me would only talk to me unless they needed something. I wanted more attention than what I was getting. I was always taught to try to be like the other kids at school, but I never fit their mold, but I always tried. In the fourth grade, as odd as this sounds, there were some girls who took an interest in me. We sung together and played together during recess. I thought this was weird. I never felt a closer bond in my life. I didn't understand this.

During the fifth grade, there was a little problem with my friends and me. Their friends didn't like me very much. In fact, their friends would pick on me every day. I was called names all of the time, used, pushed, spat on, etc. The sad part is that I became used to being picked on everyday. This was my normal routine. I saw nothing wrong with it. There was always something wrong with me. I didn't want to talk with my parents because they always told me that I would get in trouble at home if I got beat up or allowed someone to bully me at school. I know my parents wanted me to stand up for myself, but they never taught me how.

With my attention toward myself all of the time and needing counseling, but not wanting my parents to find out what was going on, I turned to some perverted ways against my friends. In essence, by the sixth grade, I was hanging out by myself or with people that I should not have been hanging around with at all. My friends would get to the point where they would run away from me when I came near them because of my perversion. At this young age, I began thinking about my future. Will this stop in middle school or high school? How about college? This has to stop sometime, right? Eventhough this was life was a normal routine for me, I didn't like it. At this time, books were my best friends. I would always read something or stare into space during recess just waiting for the bell to ring. Life was so lonely.

During this time in middle school, I knew God, but I didn't know how to allow Him to stand up in me. I looked to people to be my guide because that is what my mother told me. I wasn't smart enough to hear God on my own and to use the principles in the bible for myself. My mom never said this directly, but she said it every day in her actions. At this time, I wanted more than what my small church could give me. I wanted intense study, but I had to wait a little bit more time to engage in it, but believe me it came with problems of its own.

When I was in high school, I was not in one physical fight, but was verbally abused all of the time by my peers. I was called fat, ugly, stupid (lacking in common sense - part of this was true. Just like all of us, we all lack some common knowledge), etc. all of the time. I believed these words about me. I spoke these words over myself all of the time. As I did this, I became slower and slower, mentally and physically. I was in the state where I couldn't react as fast to sound as I used to when I was younger. This was a shame because I wasn't even eighteen yet.

I wasn't good at athletics eventhough I played tennis when I was in high school. I was so bad that my own team didn't want to play with me. I always showed up to practice and had a good attitude, but the people who showed up half the time played 100% better than I did so they got to play in the finals during my senior year. This is when my coach wanted to look good, I guess. My main goals were met every season. I lost weight, built muscle during my training for tennis and I won at least one game during the season. Another season, I actually one two games. That was a miracle. God works miracles every day folks. Since I didn't play well, I had to play doubles. The people who played doubles always tried to find a way out of playing with me, but the coach made them do it during the season.

In school and at home, my foundation was strengthened. I knew who I was. I was stupid, ugly, fat, and all of the negative words that you can call yourself. I ended up calling myself all of them. I was those filthy words because that was what I believed. When was I going to learn the truth about myself? There was a huge conflict in what my peers at school said about me and what people at church and what God's word said about me. During my senior year, I finally caught on a little. I started but didn't have the confidence in God to allow Him to sustain me. I wanted to please my parents and try to fit the mold that they wanted for me. I wanted to be like my older brother who was popular and could beat people up if they talked about him. I couldn't do that. I didn't know who my true self was at this time. I just believed who I was - which were words that were not true about me. I was still so self absorbed. I didn't think about others as much as I should have.