I am so amazed at your love God. I am amazed at how you work in me and you love me for me. Eventhough I have so many imperfections. You still love me and accept me. Not everyone has accepted me.
When I started my new job, there were no hostess jobs. I had to be a server. There was no other option. I was scared because I didn't have enough confidence to be an effective server. I soon gained some confidence because that was my job and I had to pay my bills. I became one of the best servers they had and it was because I allowed God to be strong through my weaknesses. He is good about that if we let Him. His love shined in that restaurant.
My General Manager was so nice, that is until we had a rush. He turned into a jerk during rushes. He would lose his temper very easily. At this time, I wasn't good at my job and I made quite a few mistakes because I would speed up instead of taking my time and because I didn't have all the steps together of being an effective server, it took me longer. I made mistakes and would have to go back and correct them. He lost his temper with me quite a few times. I was so hurt by him. I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. I remember when he had to leave the store for a few months to help with another store. He must have had some anger management courses because he was so much softer and he dealt with people so differently during our rushes, and yes, when he came back, I was a much better server. I now know that when people are angry, they have fear issues. I didn't know that then. I just took everything personally.
During the time I worked as a server at this restaurant, I participated in a new bible study at my church. I asked two people to be my spiritual parents and I had a friend, Thandie that was so verbally abusive to me. We were "best friends." I thought this was the right person for me because I didn't have anyone else to be my friend at the time. I should have just waited.
I felt like I was Thandie's dog. She would never call me by my first name. She would always call me "Hey" or "Girl." I thought it was totally my fault at the time that I was being treated this way. No one deserves to be treated like I was treated by her. When I asked her to stop, she would tell me that I acted like I needed a master and I agreed. I have been so deprived of social and common information my whole life and I felt bad about that fact. I felt so inadequate. But the truth was that she was the one who needed the most help.
My spiritual parents loved me and always wanted to help me. They would always tell me that she was not treating me right and suggest that I make a change in friendship. They loved me and they knew my whole story. They knew how hard it was to stand up for myself so my spiritual mother had no problem with doing what she needed to do to stand up for me. She had no problem doing it either.
On the other hand, My discipler that I had in my bachelors years came to me and apologized for what she had done to me. She gave what I thought was a sincere apology. I thought that the Lord spoke to her individually, but later I found out that my spiritual mother had something to do with it. She was upset that I was wronged so much and no one that was in the cult apologized to me for the wrong that had been done to me eventhough I was ordered to apologize several times to them. To my understanding, my spiritual mother approached my old discipler and backed her to the wall and told her she better apologize to me. I feel so sorry for my old discipler. My spiritual mother is not afraid to stand up for the people she loves and she loved me dearly. She used just about any means necessary, including fists, persuasive words that should not be repeated.
It has been about two years from now and I haven't spoke to my spiritual mother since. I am thankful for what she did for me. Yes, I was a punk and I am not ashamed because I am a different person now.
Yep, I am a gangsta. Okay, so not really, but I know now that I am adequate because of who I am. I wasn't firm in that then. I am still getting firmer in this. I always hid my feelings. I didn't think they were important but not anymore. I am growing in confidence. I've had some more road bumps which I am sure I will have more, but God has been so faithful to me.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Change in Location, but Not a Change in Situation
It was finally time for me to move off campus and into my first apartment. There was no way I was moving home. That was my last resort. I moved into an apartment with a girl I didn't know. I prayed that I would be able to make my rent every month and God was so faithful to my prayer. I never went a month without being able to pay for my rent.
I will never forget how I made my first rent payment. Since I didn't have a car then, I had to walk to work. It took me forty-five minutes to get there and back. I lost a lot of weight during this time. I worked as a hostess. I just moved into the apartment and my rent was due soon. I calculated that I would have just enough in my paycheck to make it through the month. I was getting ready for work one day and I never had this happen before. I forgot what time I was supposed to go in to work. The 4:00p.m. shift or the 6:00p.m. shift. I called my store at 2:00p.m. that day and my general manager answered the phone. He explained to me that the store was closing for good. I will have to find a new job and he offered to talk to a manager of a restaurant next door from where I worked. I was in tears. How was I going to make it financially? It was so hard to find a job. I didn't have much experience.
I remember taking a whole day off of work when I was a hostess and walking around in the hot sun wearing dark clothes and filling out application after application. I didn't get one call back. I walked across two of the busiest streets in Honky Tonk Ville trying to find a job. I applied to all types of jobs. I almost had a college degree and no one would hire me. Later on, I found out that most people knew that the store was closing for three days and no one called me about this. I felt okay about this because the managers that I had were irresponsible. I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me. They were so rude and I was excited because I didn't want to work there anymore, but sad because I didn't know how I would make my rent. I was so discouraged because I couldn't find another job before, I didn't think I was going to find one even with my general manager helping me.
I relaxed for a day and didn't do anything. I mostly prayed and told some people that I was looking for a new job. They were faithful to pray with me. God is so faithful! These people who prayed for me weren't the most healthy people to be around, but they were the only ones who I could see to be my friends at this time. My focus will be on one of these people. Her name was Thandie. Thandie loved to help people. She loved to stay busy, but one thing that I had to compromise on with her that I will never compromise on again is cleanliness. Thandie was and probably still is a McNasty. She was kicked out or "removed" from discipleship before I was and we were friends off and on at that time. Her actions and words were so abusive. I was so thankful for the break from her, but I still questioned if she was really my friend or not. I will not go into a description of how nasty she is because I have learned that everyone is nasty, but some are more nasty than others. They don't realize they are being nasty most of the time. They are doing what is normal to them or they just don't care. I will get into the subject of not caring about how nasty you are later.
Thandie's car was uuuhhhhhh gross. I wanted to vomit sometimes when I rode with her. There are people who are messy and then there are people who are nasty and she was definitely nasty. Food stuck to her floor and in different parts of the car. The moldy aroma filled the atmosphere. The worst part is she couldn't let her windows down. It was horrible, but I never complained because she was giving me a ride. I compromised. She was also verbally abusive to me. She yelled at me and I thought everything was my fault. I didn't like being yelled at, but that is what I felt like I deserved.
A week after I got laid off, I got a job working at the restaurant across the street. It was so awesome! Timing is truly everything. I kept calling the restaurant and asking for the manager that my old general manager told me to talk to, but she was always busy. Instead of just relying on that job, I walked into a restaurant across the street one morning to fill out an application. The manager told me to come back at 3:00 that day. I walked to the restaurant from my apartment and got there at 2:50. One of the trainers walked up to me and said, "Oh my, you are early." She took me around the restaurant and introduced me to everyone. She even talked to me about filling out some paperwork and getting my uniform. At that very moment, the truth came out. I told her that I hadn't had an interview yet. She sat me down and told her manager what she did. Her manager, who was a different manager than who I talked to that morning, approached me and looked at my application. He asked me three simple questions and then told me I was hired. I filled out the paperwork and was given my uniform. The girl that was supposed to show up at 3:00 arrived at 3:45 and didn't last for more than two weeks. Two days after I got my job, the manager of the restaurant that was next door to the restaurant I worked for called me about a job. I was able to tell them that I already had a job.
I hated being friends with the people I was friends with at this time. I remember getting on my knees in my apartment and praying for friendship, real friendship. I hated being alone, but it certainly enriched my prayer life and my relationship with God. I know now I can be a better friend to others because I am a better friend to God.
I will never forget how I made my first rent payment. Since I didn't have a car then, I had to walk to work. It took me forty-five minutes to get there and back. I lost a lot of weight during this time. I worked as a hostess. I just moved into the apartment and my rent was due soon. I calculated that I would have just enough in my paycheck to make it through the month. I was getting ready for work one day and I never had this happen before. I forgot what time I was supposed to go in to work. The 4:00p.m. shift or the 6:00p.m. shift. I called my store at 2:00p.m. that day and my general manager answered the phone. He explained to me that the store was closing for good. I will have to find a new job and he offered to talk to a manager of a restaurant next door from where I worked. I was in tears. How was I going to make it financially? It was so hard to find a job. I didn't have much experience.
I remember taking a whole day off of work when I was a hostess and walking around in the hot sun wearing dark clothes and filling out application after application. I didn't get one call back. I walked across two of the busiest streets in Honky Tonk Ville trying to find a job. I applied to all types of jobs. I almost had a college degree and no one would hire me. Later on, I found out that most people knew that the store was closing for three days and no one called me about this. I felt okay about this because the managers that I had were irresponsible. I knew this so it wasn't a surprise to me. They were so rude and I was excited because I didn't want to work there anymore, but sad because I didn't know how I would make my rent. I was so discouraged because I couldn't find another job before, I didn't think I was going to find one even with my general manager helping me.
I relaxed for a day and didn't do anything. I mostly prayed and told some people that I was looking for a new job. They were faithful to pray with me. God is so faithful! These people who prayed for me weren't the most healthy people to be around, but they were the only ones who I could see to be my friends at this time. My focus will be on one of these people. Her name was Thandie. Thandie loved to help people. She loved to stay busy, but one thing that I had to compromise on with her that I will never compromise on again is cleanliness. Thandie was and probably still is a McNasty. She was kicked out or "removed" from discipleship before I was and we were friends off and on at that time. Her actions and words were so abusive. I was so thankful for the break from her, but I still questioned if she was really my friend or not. I will not go into a description of how nasty she is because I have learned that everyone is nasty, but some are more nasty than others. They don't realize they are being nasty most of the time. They are doing what is normal to them or they just don't care. I will get into the subject of not caring about how nasty you are later.
Thandie's car was uuuhhhhhh gross. I wanted to vomit sometimes when I rode with her. There are people who are messy and then there are people who are nasty and she was definitely nasty. Food stuck to her floor and in different parts of the car. The moldy aroma filled the atmosphere. The worst part is she couldn't let her windows down. It was horrible, but I never complained because she was giving me a ride. I compromised. She was also verbally abusive to me. She yelled at me and I thought everything was my fault. I didn't like being yelled at, but that is what I felt like I deserved.
A week after I got laid off, I got a job working at the restaurant across the street. It was so awesome! Timing is truly everything. I kept calling the restaurant and asking for the manager that my old general manager told me to talk to, but she was always busy. Instead of just relying on that job, I walked into a restaurant across the street one morning to fill out an application. The manager told me to come back at 3:00 that day. I walked to the restaurant from my apartment and got there at 2:50. One of the trainers walked up to me and said, "Oh my, you are early." She took me around the restaurant and introduced me to everyone. She even talked to me about filling out some paperwork and getting my uniform. At that very moment, the truth came out. I told her that I hadn't had an interview yet. She sat me down and told her manager what she did. Her manager, who was a different manager than who I talked to that morning, approached me and looked at my application. He asked me three simple questions and then told me I was hired. I filled out the paperwork and was given my uniform. The girl that was supposed to show up at 3:00 arrived at 3:45 and didn't last for more than two weeks. Two days after I got my job, the manager of the restaurant that was next door to the restaurant I worked for called me about a job. I was able to tell them that I already had a job.
I hated being friends with the people I was friends with at this time. I remember getting on my knees in my apartment and praying for friendship, real friendship. I hated being alone, but it certainly enriched my prayer life and my relationship with God. I know now I can be a better friend to others because I am a better friend to God.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I Am Surrounded, But Alone.
The fourth year of college was pretty brutal. As mentioned at the end of my last post, I cried a lot when I wasn't at work or in class. My grades and retention level of the material in my classes dropped tremendously because I couldn't focus on my work in class or out. My nerves were an emotional wreck. I cried all of the time. I didn't have a car and so my "best friend" or so called best friend was supposed to take me just about everywhere. Everytime I asked someone else to take me, they would point to Toni and needless to say, Toni got tired of taking me. It was so apparent that she did. Every little thing I did ticked her off so much. I was starting to get annoyed with her as well. It just turned into a bad relationship.
Soon into my fourth year, my discipler finally let me go officially. She told me that I was not fruitful (meaning adding to my church's numbers). I told you how I don't like silent separations. This one was loud and clear. There was no way of getting around it. Toni was excited because she did not have to be around me anymore. She was fed up with me and being controlled by her discipler. Yes, I had a part in her not liking me (a relationship is always two fold) but she totally overreacted, but I have learned that some people are just going to overreact to most situations. You either accept them or you don't.
I made some other friends at this time, but I only kept them to fill the void in my life. I couldn't have a healthy friendship with them. They ultimately stopped hanging around me because I was so messed up and so bitter. My feelings of bitterness, guilt, shame, and sadness weighed my heart down. It was not fun for them to be in a relationship with me. A mentor at my church at the time was talking to me on the phone and she said the best thing to do sometimes is to just go to sleep. When I laid down to go to sleep, I was sad because I knew I would probably wake up and to what? To nothing. I wanted to die. I hated my life. What is life without friends to love on and to love on me? The problem is I never had that relationship before eventhough I tried forcing myself into it. This was the year that I flunked a class and needed six more hours to graduate. I walked down the aisle during my graduation ceremony, but did not graduate.
My discipler always would say hello to me anytime we passed each other at church or when we were walking down the hallway. I usually wouldn't say anything to her because my prideful attitude was if you can't be my discipler then you can't be my friend at all. Everytime I went to church during this year, I went to the back and cried for almost the whole service. I tried to be as quiet as I could. No one came to comfort me. No one looked like they cared. The people that knew what was going on didn't want to say anything. I wanted to die.
Everyday I had to wake up, I saw no purpose because I was out of God's will. At church, my pastor preached on not giving up. I decided to take this personally. So I decided to pray. I was by myself and I didn't have anyone else. I didn't have too much of a choice. God spoke to me that I didn't need a discipler and I certainly didn't need to be in a cult. The bad thing was that the vision of the cult did not even line up with scripture. It is a shame that the church is still in existense. That vision is still alive in my old church. The vision is not biblical!
For a few months, I dragged myself to counseling on campus. The counselor was weird. She told me to tap different parts of my body for inner healing and to help me believe things. I was not doing that, but the thankful journal really helped me. I had to make a list of things I was thankful for in my life three times a week. This list helped me tremendously for that time. God provided everything I needed when I needed it.
Soon into my fourth year, my discipler finally let me go officially. She told me that I was not fruitful (meaning adding to my church's numbers). I told you how I don't like silent separations. This one was loud and clear. There was no way of getting around it. Toni was excited because she did not have to be around me anymore. She was fed up with me and being controlled by her discipler. Yes, I had a part in her not liking me (a relationship is always two fold) but she totally overreacted, but I have learned that some people are just going to overreact to most situations. You either accept them or you don't.
I made some other friends at this time, but I only kept them to fill the void in my life. I couldn't have a healthy friendship with them. They ultimately stopped hanging around me because I was so messed up and so bitter. My feelings of bitterness, guilt, shame, and sadness weighed my heart down. It was not fun for them to be in a relationship with me. A mentor at my church at the time was talking to me on the phone and she said the best thing to do sometimes is to just go to sleep. When I laid down to go to sleep, I was sad because I knew I would probably wake up and to what? To nothing. I wanted to die. I hated my life. What is life without friends to love on and to love on me? The problem is I never had that relationship before eventhough I tried forcing myself into it. This was the year that I flunked a class and needed six more hours to graduate. I walked down the aisle during my graduation ceremony, but did not graduate.
My discipler always would say hello to me anytime we passed each other at church or when we were walking down the hallway. I usually wouldn't say anything to her because my prideful attitude was if you can't be my discipler then you can't be my friend at all. Everytime I went to church during this year, I went to the back and cried for almost the whole service. I tried to be as quiet as I could. No one came to comfort me. No one looked like they cared. The people that knew what was going on didn't want to say anything. I wanted to die.
Everyday I had to wake up, I saw no purpose because I was out of God's will. At church, my pastor preached on not giving up. I decided to take this personally. So I decided to pray. I was by myself and I didn't have anyone else. I didn't have too much of a choice. God spoke to me that I didn't need a discipler and I certainly didn't need to be in a cult. The bad thing was that the vision of the cult did not even line up with scripture. It is a shame that the church is still in existense. That vision is still alive in my old church. The vision is not biblical!
For a few months, I dragged myself to counseling on campus. The counselor was weird. She told me to tap different parts of my body for inner healing and to help me believe things. I was not doing that, but the thankful journal really helped me. I had to make a list of things I was thankful for in my life three times a week. This list helped me tremendously for that time. God provided everything I needed when I needed it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
You were probably reading the last post, thinking to yourself, this situation reminds me of something I have read. Is this really true? This suspicion you have is confirmed right now. You can have an orgasm without touching yourself. Folks, the mind is so powerful. I did it all of the time. Do you think I would sit in the front row of a class or wait in line at a grocery store and have an orgasm, and touch myself like normal people do, ummm, NO? The mind is powerful.
During this time of my life, I masturbated about five or six times a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and then snacks in between. It made me feel so good and gave me relief for the abuse and the rejection that I encountered on a weekly, sometimes a daily basis. I day dreamed quite a bit in class and wherever I went. I would always look around me so that I could obtain and remember images in my head. For the most part, shame was so heavy weighing down on my shoulders. I knew I was wrong for looking at those images and for thinking about them so often in the way that I did, but that was my false joy at that time.
During my third year of college, I stepped down from the leadership position. Thank God! That was one of the hardest years, if not the hardest of my life. I still was in discipleship and I was being abused even less because I was having discipleship even less. I think by this time, my discipler knew that our relationship was ending. She wanted to try to keep it as quiet as possible.
During this time, silent and gentle separations didn't work for me well. My relationship with my best friend, Toni was growing leaps and bounds. We were spending a lot of time together and she was so sweet. The only thing I didn't like about her was that she whined about things and every situation was difficult for her. She was a nitpicker. Everytime I walked instead of asking for a ride off campus, she worried. College students walked. There were other things she worried about that it was not her place to worry. She became almost as a mother to me.
My discipler and Toni's discipler decided that they would make it mandatory for us to spend time with one another. Atleast one hour a week was our standard. We were already doing that, but now it was mandatory. Toni didn't like that very well. On the other hand, I was just fine with it because we already were doing that. If we didn't spend that time with one another, then we could just tell a fib in discipleship. They probably would not know the difference. Toni would always ask me to tell our disciplers that I didn't like this and we shouldn't spend time together. There were so many times when what I said to Toni was misinterpreted and that misinterpretation was told to our disciplers. I got in so much trouble over this.
I spent most of my third and fourth year of my bachelors in my room crying when I wasn't at work or in class. Worst yet, I flunked a class and was on the verge of flunking another, but I was able to withdraw from it. The professor cared about me and sat me down in his office. He explained he wanted me to stop coming to his class and turn in my paperwork so that my transcript wouldn't look too bad. Bless his heart.
During this time of my life, I masturbated about five or six times a day; breakfast, lunch, dinner and then snacks in between. It made me feel so good and gave me relief for the abuse and the rejection that I encountered on a weekly, sometimes a daily basis. I day dreamed quite a bit in class and wherever I went. I would always look around me so that I could obtain and remember images in my head. For the most part, shame was so heavy weighing down on my shoulders. I knew I was wrong for looking at those images and for thinking about them so often in the way that I did, but that was my false joy at that time.
During my third year of college, I stepped down from the leadership position. Thank God! That was one of the hardest years, if not the hardest of my life. I still was in discipleship and I was being abused even less because I was having discipleship even less. I think by this time, my discipler knew that our relationship was ending. She wanted to try to keep it as quiet as possible.
During this time, silent and gentle separations didn't work for me well. My relationship with my best friend, Toni was growing leaps and bounds. We were spending a lot of time together and she was so sweet. The only thing I didn't like about her was that she whined about things and every situation was difficult for her. She was a nitpicker. Everytime I walked instead of asking for a ride off campus, she worried. College students walked. There were other things she worried about that it was not her place to worry. She became almost as a mother to me.
My discipler and Toni's discipler decided that they would make it mandatory for us to spend time with one another. Atleast one hour a week was our standard. We were already doing that, but now it was mandatory. Toni didn't like that very well. On the other hand, I was just fine with it because we already were doing that. If we didn't spend that time with one another, then we could just tell a fib in discipleship. They probably would not know the difference. Toni would always ask me to tell our disciplers that I didn't like this and we shouldn't spend time together. There were so many times when what I said to Toni was misinterpreted and that misinterpretation was told to our disciplers. I got in so much trouble over this.
I spent most of my third and fourth year of my bachelors in my room crying when I wasn't at work or in class. Worst yet, I flunked a class and was on the verge of flunking another, but I was able to withdraw from it. The professor cared about me and sat me down in his office. He explained he wanted me to stop coming to his class and turn in my paperwork so that my transcript wouldn't look too bad. Bless his heart.
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